Two for the price of one: The tale of a supermarket discount
by PrisonDictator
Summary: Lets take a look and see what happens when Louise summons two normies instead of just one. Spoiler alert: I'm the other normie. Rated M for: Violence, Sexual themes, Alcohol use, and Language. Latest update isn't a chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**Two for the price of one**

 **Chapter 1: The start of a horrible adventure**

It was just another normal school day. I had just finished 4th hour chemistry and it was now lunch time. With lunch box in hand, I approached the lunch table where me and four of my friends usually sat at.

"One of you guys should give me $20," I said to the four people sitting at the table upon sitting down. To my right was Ben. He was tall and lanky with pale skin, brown eyes and messy black hair. He had on a pair of jeans and a black hoodie. Sitting in front of me was a guy with almost the exact same name as me, Jayden. Me and him were about the same height at around five and a half feet. He had brown hair and eyes and was wearing black sweat pants and a bright orange shirt. To Jayden's left was Tayler. He was about two inches taller than me and Jayden. He had a brown buzz cut, blue eyes, and he had on a gray shirt and shorts. And finally, to Tayler's left was Brayden. He was six feet tall and he was a bit on the heavier side. He had short dirty blond hair and small blue eyes. He was wearing a snug light gray shirt and baggy shorts. And then. There was me. I stood at about 5'6" with lightly tanned skin, short, super dark brown hair, brown eyes, a small moustache, a small soul patch, and a thin beard. I had on a brand new fallout vault boy shirt and a pair of jeans just slightly too small. I was the youngest of everyone at the table only 16 ½ while everyone else was 17.

"What do you need $20 for?" Jayden asked me.

"I need it to fix up that old computer I got," I responded after taking a bite out of the ham sandwich I was eating.

"I thought you already had a computer?" he asked again.

"I just want to fix up the old one I got and I need $20 to do it," I said back.

"If you don't have money why don't you just get a job then?" Brayden asked me from across the table.

"Well, I got $100. I just don't want to spend it and I'm too lazy to work," I responded with another bite.

"If you don't want to work then it's your fault," Tayler commented.

"I know how you can get some money," Ben said.

"How?" I asked him.

"Just sell your virginity," he answered with a smile.

"Ben, simmer down you sick freak," I responded with a laugh.

"I don't understand why you don't just get a job?" Jayden questioned, "You can come work with me at McDonalds."

"I don't really want to work at Mickey D's but I was actually thinking about working at the grocery store."

"Nice," he said back. And that was the end of the conversation. I pulled out my phone and earbuds to spend the last 15 minutes of lunch watching vine compilations on youtube. I was half way through one of the videos when I heard a female voice.

"My servant that existed somewhere in this vast universe," the voice said. I took my left earbud out and looked around for the speaker. I didn't see anyone so I just shrugged and put my earbud back in and resumed the video.

"My divine, beautiful, wise, powerful servant, heed my call," I heard the voice call again. I once again took out my earbuds and looked for the speaker.

"Did anyone hear that?" I asked everyone at the table.

"Hear what?" Jayden asked.

"I don't know. I thought I heard someone talking to me."

"You're just going crazy," Ben said.

"I guess," I responded before going back to my video and trying to forget about the voice.

"I wish from very bottom of my heart and add to my guidance and appear!" the voice called out for the last time. As soon as it finished speaking, an oval shaped green thing about six feet tall appeared on top of the table. Jayden jumped back, launching food everywhere, and the rest of us quickly got up from our seats and backed away from the table. We weren't the only ones to take notice of the green thing, the whole cafeteria was now focused on our table and a few teachers were running over. Everyone in the lunchroom quickly coalesced on us and formed a circle around the thing. I was in the very front of the audience with Jayden to my left.

"What do you think it is?" he whispered to me.

"An alien super weapon? I don't fucking know!" I replied sarcastically.

"Ok children, everybody get back!" the principle commanded all of us. Everyone started to do what he said but then the green thing grew a little and started getting brighter. Next thing I know, I start floating a few inches off the ground and I feel myself getting pulled towards it.

"Um, ok? What is happening?" I called out. My friends rushed towards me, quickly followed by almost everyone else, and they started to pull me back. At first it worked, I was slowly being pulled away from the thing, but then it grew slightly bigger and brighter again and I was getting pulled on even harder. I was hovering a few feet of the ground while being pulled back feet first. I was being pulled in half and the only thing that was preventing me from flying into the anomaly were the dozen people holding onto my arms and clothes, the people holding onto those people, and the people holding onto those people. It was no use though, I kept getting closer and closer until my feet finally touched the thing and sank into it. It was incredibly cold and my feet sinking into only increased its pull on me. Eventually, my head was pulled in and everything went black

* * *

I woke up coughing like a chain smoker. I couldn't see much around me because there was a thick screen of smoke and dust in the air but I was able to see that I was in a very small crater with a teenage asian guy wearing a blue hoodie laying by my feet. I could also hear what sounded like muffled laughter from outside the smoke.

"Nani ga okotta?" the asian guy stirred. He stood up rubbing his head and looked at me,

"Anatahadare?" he said to me.

"I got no clue what you just said," I replied.

"Oh, you speak english," he said changing languages, "Do you know where we are?"

"No clue, one moment I'm eating lunch at school then this green thing shows up and now I'm here."

"You saw the green thing too?"

"Yeah, it sucked me inside it."

"The same thing happened to me!" I was going to continue our conversation but the smoke finally cleared and we got a look at our surroundings. We were in a flat, grassy area surrounded by tall, stone walls and towers. There were also a bunch of people not to far from us who were away all looking towards me and the other guy. They were all wearing identical uniforms, composed of a black cape and white shirt, and they all had very colorful hair. What really caught mine and hoodie guy's attention however was what was next to all the people. There were a bunch of animals and other creatures all sitting together. I spotted some simple things like cats and dogs but the more interesting were the things I had no names for. I saw a giant mole thing, charizard from pokemon, a giant eyeball with wings, and a big, blue, motherfucking dragon.

' _Did I eat, like, a rotten ham sandwich or something?'_ I thought with wide eyes.

I was going to question it further but a loud female voice interrupted me. There was a short girl, somewhere around 4'8", with bright pink hair and dressed in the same attire as the other people around. With her short stature and physique, I'd place her around 12 or 13 years old. She was yelling at the group in a language that sounded kinda like french. Once she stopped yelling, one member of the group would say something back and then everyone would break out in laughter. This happened a few times before a middle aged bald guy wearing a blue robe and holding a wooden staff yelled something which silenced everyone.

"You got any clue what's going on?" I asked blue hoodie boy.

"I'm just as confused as you are," he replied, "By the way, my name is Saito."

"Jaydon."

We were going to talk further but the pink haired girl walked up to us while muttering something. She stared at us expectantly and we stared back in confusion. She grew angry, yelled at us, and pointed towards the ground. Saito did what she demanded and knelt down so they were face-to-face. I just raised an eyebrow and continued to stare in confusion. She said some words while waving a small stick around and then she kissed him. Both Saito and the girl became bright red and then Saito's left hand started smoking and he howled in pain. The whole ordeal lasted only about five seconds and at the end of it Saito slumped over and passed out in the grass. Next, the girl turned her attention to me and pointed at the ground. I did the sensible thing and probably what anyone else would do; I noped the fuck out and took off running.

The place was big. There was a huge stone tower with five smaller towers around it connected with a large stone wall forming a pentagon shape. All the small towers were also connected to the large tower by a wall which formed a few open grassy areas. I got to know the true scale of the place because I was running along the walls looking for a way out all while being chased by the short pink haired girl and a bunch of other people. The the pink haired chick kept yelling at me, probably telling me to stop, but I was having none of it. I probably ran around the entire place before I was able to temporarily lose them. I spotted a small stone building and decided to hide in their from my pursuers. I quickly ran over to it, threw open the wooden door, and jumped inside. I heard my pursuers stop outside the door, yell some stuff, and then continue on their way. I sat there for with my ear pressed against the door listening to see if they were really gone. After a few seconds, I determined that they were and I finally got to look around the building. It was a simple place. A few cheap looking beds, some cheap looking furniture, some cheap knick-knacks, and a terrified black haired girl dressed in a maid uniform.

' _Well, shit,'_ I thought to myself. She screamed. I was gonna run out the door but before I could it burst open and pink haired girl walked in along with a few others. ' _Double shit.'_ One member of the pose, a blonde guy, took out a rose and started waving it around while saying some words. Once he stopped his chant, I found myself slowly floating off the ground unable to move.

"Ok the, what is going on?!" I yelled at the group. They completely ignored me and the pink one walked towards me. I tried struggling against my invisible bonds but they wouldn't give. Pink girl eventually reached me, she slapped me, and then did the thing with the kissing. Unlike with Saito, she just kissed me on the cheek so my mouth virginity was still secured (That could be taken horribly out of context). It was only a few seconds later that my hand started burning. I could go on, and on, and on about how much it hurt and how it was the most pain that I had ever felt in my life. But instead, I'll just say this; it sucked.

After the pain was over, I was freed from my invisible chains and fell ungraciously to the floor gasping for air. I only had a few seconds of consciousness and I used to to look at my hand. I was able to see that it I now had a few different symbols branded onto the back of my left hand before everything went black.

* * *

When I came too, I was lying on a large pile of hay with Saito sill knocked out next to me. I was in a pretty nice bedroom although it was a bit sparse. There was a bed, dresser, a table with a chair, a pile of hay, and a single window, and a bunch of cabinets and wardrobes. I tried to get up to get a better look around but I felt something around my neck pull me back down. I reached up to my neck to find that I was wearing a color which was attached to the wall with a short piece of chain. I tugged on it a few times to try and get it off to no avail. I tried waking up Saito to see if he could help me but that also didn't work. With nothing better to do, I decided to play on my phone until either Saito woke up or the pink demon arrived. Saito waking up is what happened first.

"Uh," he groaned, "What happened?"

"The after you passed out, I tried to run away but the pink chick found me and did the same thing she did to you."

"What time is it?" he asked me.

"8:07. We've been out for around eight hours."

"Where do you think we are?"

"I don't know," I replied, "Help me get this stupid collar off."

"Ok," he said. He tried to fiddle with the padlock but when that didn't work he tried to brute force it open.

"This isn't working," he said to me.

"Alright, new plan. We'll tear the chain out of the wall."

"Ok."

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

We both grabbed ahold of the chain and pulled with all of our strength. We pulled the bolts holding it to the wall halfway out before the door to the room unlocked.

"Shit! Someone's coming!" I whispered to Saito, "Push the chain back in!"

We did just in time as the door opened only a second later and in walked the pink she-devil. She yelled at us in french(?), she took off her dress to reveal a bright pink, almost see through nightgown underneath, and then she threw the discarded clothes at a red faced Saito. I watched quizzically while Saito buried his face in her clothes and started muttering incoherently in japanese. The pink demon seemed to be getting angry at us for some reason, if it was any evidence by her yelling at us some more. She grabbed a stick off of the table, pointed it as us, said some words, and then we blew up. The entire room filled with thick, blinding, black smoke. When it cleared, I could see that the pink demon was perfectly fine, Saito was lying on the floor clutching the remains of her burned dress, and I got blown back and slammed into the wall.

"What was that?" Saito asked dizzily, "A bolt of lightning?"

"Ow, that fucking hurt," I groaned. Saito stood up from his position with annoyance in his eyes.

"I was putting up with all of this because you're cute," he said angrily, "But now I'll have to use force!"

He rushed over and grabbed her by the shoulders but before he could do anything else the pink demon spoke again.

"When you spoke I understood," she said. Me and Saito looked at her in surprise and he said,

"Wait, did you just say you understood me?"

She nodded.

"Try saying something else."

"How about, where the hell are we?" I said from my slumped over position across the room. She ignored my question and started talking to herself.

"I can't believe it, that was suppose to be a spell of silence. Failed again. What are your two names?"

"My name is Saito Hiraga," the mane in question said.

"Jaydon Castillo," I said to her.

"Hiraga Saito?" she tested the name. Instead of resuming his correction, Saito asked a more important question.

"Now listen!" he demanded, "I think I have the right to know why I was brought here."

"Same," I added.

"I summoned you two of course when I performed my summoning ritual!" she exclaimed, "You're both my familiars, see?"

"Familiar?" asked Saito before me and him remembered the branding on our hands. We spent the next half an hour or so talking about our situation. I say talking bit it was more like: Saito would ask a question, the pink demon would respond in a tone like she was chastising a dumb person, and I sat back and listened while secretly recording the whole thing on my phone. From the questions that Saito asked, we were apparently on the continent of Halkeginia, in the country of Tristain, in the Tristain academy of magic. The pink demon was also named Louise something something Valliere and was a second year student of the academy. Me and Saito were her familiars that she summoned during the springtime summoning ritual. I understood almost none of what she said. I got the whole familiar thing and most of her name but the names of the locations and the summoning ritual thing completely blew over my head. Magic was also a thing apparently; I'm not even going to comment. The whole explanation really only took, like, ten minutes, the other 20 were just composed of Louise complaining about summoning commoners, how we were terrible, and other insults. She was so engrossed in complaining than she didn't even notice that me and Saito had pulled the chain the rest of the way out of the wall and took off running out the door.

Me and Saito were running through the hallways of this place as fast as our legs would carry us. Saito was silently running ahead of me while I was carrying a big, heavy length of chain that clinked with each step. We ran past the same blonde guy, who made me fly earlier, talking to some other chick. He called out to us but we ignored him and kept running. Eventually, me and Saito ran into an indoor lounge area with a large fountain in the middle. We stopped to catch our breath for a minute before continuing our running. There was another pair of people here, this time a red haired and dark skinned girl and some other schmuck. They also called out to us and we once again ignored them. We finally made it outside and were running towards the front gate.

"There's the exit," Saito cheered, "We're free!"

I was going to cheer with him but before I could we were both thrown up into the air. Louise had finally caught up to us and she brought along the blonde guy as backup. Saito started panicking about being so high in the air but I paid him no mind as I stared up into the sky at what confirmed the fact that I wasn't on earth anymore.

"Holy fucking shit."

There were two moons in the sky.

 **A/N**

 **And so begins the start of my second fanfiction. The writing is probably a little piss poor right now but I'll come back and refine it one day. Until then, how was it? Was this thing the best thing you've ever laid eyes on? (Doubt it) Was it so horrible that you want to drink a gallon of clorox? (Also doubt it but still believable) Or, was it just mediocre? (Probably) I'm not going to diverge too far from the canon in this fanfic. I wonder how far I'll make it into the canon though. A lot of fics in this fandom I've seen don't get all the way through the story. I'm hoping that I'll be able too but that's a long ways away and a lot can happen in that time. Anyways, that's the end for now. Up next is going to be the fight with the douche bag over Saito's fetish. Bye, bye.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Two for the price of one**

 **Chapter 2: Fighting blonde douchebags**

 **A little mini A/N before we begin. I did no research before I wrote any of this and I wrote most of this off the top of my head while I was writing it at 3:00 AM. If you see anything that I should change or have any suggestions, leave a review or PM me.**

I was in another world. How did I know this? It was simple. Louise had explained a lot about the new world me and Saito had found ourselves in about an hour ago. Speaking of Louise and Saito, Louise was currently berating the two of us for our escape attempt. While Saito was following along to Louise's rambling, I was barely paying attention. Why was I not paying attention? It was because I was gazing out the window at the proof that I was 100%, without a doubt, on another world. There were two moons in the sky.

The largest of the moons was a light blue color and was either a lot larger than earth's moon or it was a lot closer. The second moon was a light pink color and it appeared a little smaller than earth's moon. Even more perplexing was that the pink moon orbited around the blue moon which should of been impossible. Even though the two moons represented a very grim conclusion, I had to admit that the sight was extraordinary.

The rest of the sky was also a sight to behold. Although whatever world I landed in seemed to be preindustrial, which brought about a whole bunch of problems, there was a one upsides. The upside was that light pollution was pretty much non existent which allowed me to view the full night sky in all its uncensored glory. I took a bunch of pictures with my phone. If I ever got home, I was definitely gonna win some awards with the photos. Combine the photos with the fact that I was in another universe in the first place, I was going to be rich.

Back to reality though. Louise was really going at it. She was super short for a girl me and Saito's age. With all the yelling she was doing, her lungs must take up around half of her body. I tried to listen to her but I only got so far as,

"-and don't even get me started on-" Before I tuned her out again. Instead, I decided to ponder about how I arrived here in the first place. I had a few theories as to what happened, everything from aliens to the government, but let's go over the more logical ones.

Theories like this just being a dream, or maybe the ham in that sandwich I ate earlier was rotten and this is all just a hallucination brought about by food poisoning, or maybe someone at school drugged me and they're currently having their way with my unconscious body in a supply closet while all this was going on in my mind, or maybe all of this was actually real. Maybe I really was summoned by a pink haired girl and I'm suppose to be her magical slave.

The first two theories were a lot more likely than the third one and they were all more likely than the theory that this was actually real. In the end though, I decided to give the fourth theory benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.

I was brought out of my thoughts once again when Louise pulled me by my arm and pushed me out the door and into the hallway. Saito was pushed out a few seconds later with a large pile of clothes in his hands.

"And don't either of you come back until those clothes have been washed!" she ordered us before slamming the door in our faces. Me and Saito just kinda stood there for a moment in stunned silence before I turned to ask him,

"So what's going on? I wasn't really paying attention."

"She wants us to wash her clothes and when we're done she wants us to wake her up at dawn," Saito explained.

"So she just kicked us out?" I questioned, "What's to stop us from just trying to escape again?"

"She said that that guards were alerted to keep a watch out in case we tried to escape again and that if we did try that there'd be severe punishment."

"Oh," I simply responded. I was still having trouble processing everything that had happened today. "So what now?" I asked, "I don't know where the clothes washing place is and even if I did, I got no clue how to wash clothes."

"Lets just look around, We're bound to find it eventually."

* * *

Our search didn't last very long. We walked maybe 50 feet before turning a corner and smacking right into another person. Saito was the one in front so he was the one that actually ran into the person. Saito was also the one carrying all the clothes and the person that he crashed into was also carrying a bunch clothes, so now there was a ton of dirty laundry strewn around the corridor everywhere.

"God damnit," I sighed before helping Saito up and then turning to the mystery person. It was actually that one chick that I ran into earlier. The black haired girl dressed in a maid uniform that I met when trying to hide from Louise and her classmates.

Said maid was rocking back and forth on the ground cradling her head.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry! Louise told me and Jaydon to wash her clothes but we don't know where so we had to find it ourselves and I wasn't paying attention and then I ran into you," Saito quickly rambled off.

"It's alright," the maid responded after shaking off her pain and pulling herself to her feet, "My name is Siesta. You two must be the familiars that Ms. Valliere summoned."

"How do you know about that?" I questioned.

"There's a rumor going around the school that Ms. Valliere summoned two commoners to be her familiar and that one of them tried to run away," She said with the last part directed at me, "I guess you're both the two commoners."

"I guess," I said with a bit of disdain, "Like Saito said, we're trying to find the place where you wash clothes."

"I can take you there if you want," She said gleefully. Me and Saito agreed and after picking up all the clothes off the floor we were off.

It didn't take too long to get to our destination. All we did was go outside to one of those grassy fields like the one me and Saito first arrived in. This field was a bit different though. This field had a large fountain adjacent to the large central tower.

"There's no actual laundry room so us maids just come out here to this fountain to wash the students clothes," She explained, "I can clean the clothes for you if you want."

"Don't you already have clothes to wash?" Saito questioned.

"Yes, but it is my job as a maid."

"I don't know. It just doesn't feel right letting you wash all these clothes by yourself. What if we help you?" Saito asked. When I heard the word _we_ , I decided that it would be a good time to leave.

"You can stay and help if you want Saito," I said, "I'm going back to Louise's room to go to sleep." I didn't give him a chance to respond as I was already started walking.

Backtracking my way there wasn't too hard. I only took one wrong turn and I realised my mistake after a few seconds. When I actually tried to open the door to Louise's room was when the problems really started because the bitch decided to lock the door.

"Goddamn it, open!" I aggressively whispered while lightly tugging at the door as to not make any noise. I gave up trying to get in after around a minute and decided to just find another place to sleep. That place being a small balcony at the top of the tower. At least it was warm out.

* * *

My back was fucking killing me. I guess that's what I get for sleeping on a floor instead of a bed. I was woken up at 6:00 AM by the alarm on my almost dead phone and by the rising sun shining light in my face. When I woke up, I was half expecting to wake up in my bed at home but I had no such luck. Maybe I just shouldn't of slept at all though. Combined with my aching back I was still super tired because I had a hard time falling asleep. Being in another dimension will do that to you.

When I finally left my sleeping spot to go wakeup Louise, I found Saito sleeping against the wall outside her door with a neat pile of folded clothes next to him.

"Huh?" he groaned when I shook him awake.

"Get up Saito," I ordered.

"Hey Jaydon," he yawned, "What time is it?"

"Little after six."

"Thanks for leaving me last night," he tiredly said sarcastically.

"No problem," I smirked.

"Don't we have to wake up Louise or something?" he asked.

"Yep," I said before pounding on the locked door, "Louise, get up!"

I only had to bang a few more times after that before she actually opened the door.

"What do you want?" she groaned. Her normally straight, pink hair was all frizzled out and she was wearing a slightly transparent nightgown that barely left anything to the imagination, not that she had much in the first place.

"You told us to wake you up in the morning."

"And who are you?" she asked inquisitively.

"Really?" I deadpanned. It took her a moment to actually recognize me and Saito.

"Oh, it's the two commoners I summoned as familiars. I had hoped that yesterday was just a bad dream."

"You and me both," I quietly muttered under my breath.

"Did you wash my clothes like I asked?"

"Yes," Saito saito presenting said clothes in his hands.

"Good. get in here," she ordered. We did as she said. Once we were inside her room and the door was closed Louise immediately took off her nightgown to reveal that she didn't have anything underneath. Now, there truly was nothing left to the imagination. As soon as me and Saito registered what exactly had happened we turned around to face the wall with massive blushes on our faces. Saito was freaking out on the inside and while my thoughts were calmer they were also much darker and more perverted,

' _Oh shit, are we sex slaves?'_ I questioned in my mind, ' _Eh, could be worse.'_ Louise's next command disproved my theory though.

"Dress me," she commanded.

"What?" me and Saito both asked at the same time.

"I said dress me?!" she ordered again only much louder, "What, are you two stupid or something? Did I get two brain dead commoners as familiars?"

"No we heard you! Why do you want us to dress you? Can't you do it yourself?"

"A noble never dresses themselves when they have servants to do it for them." she explained pridefully.

"Yeah but, we're both guys. Aren't you embarrassed or anything or worried about, you know…"

"No, I'm not embarrassed. Why would I be embarrassed? You two are both just familiars, no different than dogs!"

' _Oh shit, it just got worse.'_

"Now dress me!" she commanded again.

"No way, I'm not dressing you!" Saito said.

"Yeah, aren't you like, 12?" I questioned, "Can't you dress yourself?" I asked.

"What?!" Louise's yelled at me. Next thing I know I feel something smack me in the back of the head.

"Ow!" I cried, "The hell was that?"

"That's what you get for disrespecting your master. And I'll have you know that I'm 17."

"Could've fooled me," I muttered.

"What was that?" Louise asked threateningly.

"Nothing!" I assured her.

"Good. Now hurry up and dress me!"

"I already said no," Saito said.

"Yeah," I said joining Saito.

"Alright, fine. You don't get breakfast then."

"What?!" Saito asked in horror.

"I still ain't dressing you," I said, remaining strong.

"Alright. No dinner then either."

"Fine by me," I said. I could probably find something to eat. Saito was freaking out though.

"Now lets not be too hasty Louise," Saito said, finally breaking, "If I dress you can we get something to eat?"

"I suppose you can," Louise relented, "But from now on you are to refer to me as _Master._ Do you understand?"

"Yes Lou- master."

"Good."

"Have fun Saito," I said to him, "I'm waiting outside."

I stood outside the door just twiddling my thumbs while Saito was dressing Louise. They came out a few minutes later and Louise dragged us both away to who knows where.

It turns out where Louise dragged us too was a dining hall. I was pretty nice. Tall ceiling, everything made of marble, it was pretty beautiful. What wasn't beautiful was Louise's reaction to when me and Saito tried to sit down at a table.

"You can't sit there!"

"What?" Saito asked, "Why not?"

"Only nobles are allowed to sit here," Louise replied.

"Well then where are we supposed to sit?" Saito asked and to which Louise replied by pointing to floor. Me and Saito just sighed and sat down on the floor next to Louise's seat.

"So, um, what are we supposed to eat?" Saito asked.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Louise said. Then, she placed a bowl in between me and Saito. The bowl held what I can only describe as a moldy piece of bread floating around in the toilet water of a taco bell bathroom on cinco de mayo.

"What. Is. That?" I asked with my jaw trying to fall to the floor.

"Your lunch," Louise responded. I just stared at Louise, then back to the food, at Louise, the food, Louise, food.

"Screw this," I muttered. I got up and walked away to find the kitchen. Saito followed me shortly after. Louise yelled something at us when we left. I didn't hear what it was but I don't really care.

* * *

The next half hour or so passed by in a kinda blur.

First, I found the kitchen which was thankfully right next to the dining room. Unlike the open, marble dining room, the kitchen was a little dark and it was cluttered with pots, pans, and cooks running around all over the place. Siesta was also there carrying a tray that was full of cakes. She greeted us happily, we told her of our plight, and she introduced us to the head chef. He was a pretty nice guy. His name was Marteau and he was a big guy, probably over six feet tall and a bit overweight but he was also really strong. When we met him, he was carrying a huge pot full of water which he was going to use to make stew. After being introduced, he gave me and Saito some of the leftover food. I can see why he's the head chef because the stuff was delicious and filling, even if it was just some bread and small pieces of meat.

After gorging ourselves, all the while chatting with Marteau and Siesta, the two said that they had to get back to work and Saito decided to help Siesta deliver desserts. I didn't want to be a dick, again, so I actually helped this time. The job wasn't too hard, just bring the pastries over to a table, put one in front of someone, then move on to the next person. That all changed though when I met this one douchebag.

The douchebag in question was that one blonde guy that me and Saito passed by while trying to make our escape. I didn't pay him much time, just deliver the cake and move one, but then I saw that he dropped something out of his pocket and I decided to be a good guy and return it to him.

"Hey bro," I said holding out a small purple bottle full of liquid to the guy, "You dropped this." He barely even looked at it before he brushed me off.

"Silly commoner, that's not mine." But the others sitting at his table paid more mind too it. Once they saw it they started murmuring about how it was perfume that belonged to someone named Montmorency, how the guy, named Guiche, couldn't have gotten it unless the two were dating, and about how Guiche was suppose to be dating this other girl named Katie. The whole thing climaxed when the two girls that were just mentioned showed up and started arguing about which one of them was Guiche's girlfriend. Both girls decided that neither of them were his girlfriend and after they slapped him they parted ways. I was also about to leave but before i could Saito showed up to see what was going on and Guiche started yelling at us about making two girls cry. Then, the guy challenged us to a duel and that's when I found myself outside.

Neither me, Louise, nor Siesta wanted us to do the duel. I didn't want to because I thought the whole thing was stupid. Louise and Siesta didn't want want us too because they kept saying,

"A commoner can't beat a noble." While Siesta said it with worry, Louise said it with anger. It wasn't until Guiche started mocking Louise that she completely flipped sides and forced me and Saito to fight. This sucks.

"My name is Guiche the bronze. As such, my bronze valkyries will be your opponents," he announced pridefully before pulling a rose out of his robes and flicking it around. A few petals fell off his rose and when they hit the ground four bronze golems appeared and they charged towards us. I would've commented about the valkyries being amazing if they weren't busy kicking our ass. The things were a lot faster than us and a lot stronger than us. After being knocked down a few times, Saito called out this unfairness.

"This is unfair! It's four against two and they have weapons!"

"Hm, I suppose you're right," Guiche said boredly, "Very well, I'll give you both a weapon." And with another flick of his rose wand, two bronze swords appeared in front of us. They weren't anything special but they would do. Upon picking them up, I felt like I just took took a shot of a mix of morphine, steroids, and adrenaline. Along with that, I also knew how to use the sword like a master and the brand on my hand started glowing. The same thing appeared to have happened to Saito because his hand was also glowing and the pained expression he had before was replaced with one that was calm and collected. In short, it was time to kick ass and fuck bitches. Unfortunately for Guiche, we were all out of bitches.

With a single swipe from mine and Saito's sword, the four golems disappeared in a puff of smoke. Guiche said something, I think it was a taunt or a gloat but I was too into the rush to remember what he said. He waved his rose some more and even more valkyries appeared. These were quickly cut down and then replaced by more which were once again cut down and this went on over and over as me and Saito got closer to Guiche with each wave and he got more panicked. Eventually, we did reach Guiche and he brought in the final boss. It was like the normal valkyrie only it was bigger, the metal looked thicker, and it had one of those ridiculous bumper swords. This one was so strong that it survived _two_ strikes from our swords before it disappeared like its brethren. Now there was nothing standing between us and Guiche.

"S-stay back!" Guiche said in a panic. He waved his wand to try and summon another golem but the only thing that appeared was a small lump of bronze. We responded to his threat by slowly backing towards him. When we were right in front of him he finally gave up and surrendered.

"Stop! Stop!" he yelled in panic, tears threatening to spill out from his eyes, "I yield! I yield!" But I was having none of it.

"I got a plan," I whispered to Saito, "Let's milk this for all it's worth. Follow my lead." He nodded to me. "Guiche," I announced, "I am the victor of this duel and as such your fate is in my hands." Everyone stared at me wondering what I was going to do and Saito look at me uneasily.

"What are you doing?" he whispered to me.

"Just watch," I whispered back, "As the loser of the duel, I sentence you to death!" I swung my sword down towards his neck. Most of the spectators looked on in stunned silence while Guiche and his two ex girlfriends cried out,

"NO!" Saito made a move to stop me but I stopped myself when the sword was an inch from his neck.

"But, I would be willing to spare you for a small fee."

"W-what?" Guiche begged with the tears now flowing freely, "Anything!"

"I demand all of the valuables that you have on your person."

After hearing my demand, Guiche shakily retrieved a small pouch from his pocket.

"H-hear, take it! It's all the money I have!" I tossed the bag around in my hand a few times. It wasn't very heavy but it was pretty heavy for an object its size. I shrugged and pocketed it.

"Alright, be gone," I said while removing my blade from his neck. Once it was gone, Guiche took off into the crowd and I started to walk off with my newfound winnings.

"Today was a go-" I began but couldn't finish because I immediately passed out once I let go of my sword.

 **A/N**

 **The real A/N this time. This took longer than I thought because of laziness and visiting relatives. In order to save time and because it's 4:40 AM while I'm writing this I'm not going to read through and edit this. You get to read my night writing in all it's gloriousness. Other than that, I am glad I got another chapter out. One part of this chapter went through a rewrite and one small part was scrapped from the final thing. What were those things you may ask? Once I'm done with this fic I'll probably create a chapter where I write down all my scrapped ideas so you'll just have to wait. Enough about my writing though, time to ask whether or not you as the reader liked it or not. My opinion on this chapter is a six or seven out of 10. It could've been better but it's not terrible. I'd like to respond to the comments about the cover image, I'm glad you guys seem to like it. I made it in like two seconds in ms paint. Maybe I'll make another one in three seconds this time but for now the current cover is staying. I've said and talked about everything I wanted too so I'll see you in an indeterminate amount of time.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Two for the price of one**

 **Chapter 3: Nurses and thots**

Everything hurt.

My arms, my legs, my head, my back, what the hell happened to me?

I opened my eyes and found I was on a bed in some sort of infirmary. The walls were bare stone and there were a few other beds like mine but only one other one was occupied. In the bed to the right of me was Saito who was sleeping peacefully with with chest covered in bandages. I looked down at myself and saw that I had the same, if not moreso, amount of bandages. I ask again, what the hell happened?

I tried remembering everything that had happened to me when I was last awake.

I remembered Louise wanted me and Saito to dress her, then there was the lunchroom, then the kitchens, then Guiche got slapped and we fought… I think?

I didn't really remember anything after Guiche got slapped by his former two girl friends. Of the snippets I could remember, Guiche was kicking our asses, then he gave me and Saito a sword, then there was a large lapse in memory, and then he gave me money.

Once I remembered the money, my hands flew to my pockets only to discover that I wasn't actually wearing pants. I looked around and discovered them, along with the rest of my stuff, sitting on a nightstand to my left.

I sighed in relief and searched my pockets. In the right, I had my phone and when I tried to turn it on nothing happened. I looked at it dejectedly before putting it back in my pocket. In the left, I found my now useless earbuds and I found the sack of coins which I proceeded to open. Inside was 26 gold coins with the diameter of a quarter and a little more than twice the thickness of one.

It was official. If I ever went home, I was going to be loaded.

After I counted the coins, I put them back in my pocket and I tried to get out of bed.

My feet hit the floor and when I tried to push myself up a sharp pain exploded in my chest and I quickly laid back down.

Looks like I was stuck in bed.

I laid there for a few minutes hoping that someone would come along but when no one did, I decided to wake up Saito.

I tried yelling his name a few times but that only resulted in him saying something in Japanese and then falling back asleep.

I concluded that a more physical approach was in order and threw my phone at his head.

The result was pretty comical. When the phone hit his head, it caused him to shoot up in alarm but then the pain hit him and caused him to cry out in pain.

He got his revenge though because I started to laugh and it hurt to do so.

Once things calmed down, we were finally able to talk to each other.

"What was that for?!" he asked angrily.

"Hey, I tried calling your name but you wouldn't wake up," I defended.

"You could have waited for me to wake up on my own!" he retorted.

"Yep, I could have."

He glared at me for a few seconds before sighing and we got to asking the important questions.

"Do you know why we're here?" he asked me.

"I think we fought Guiche," I answered, "and I think we got our asses kicked but I also think we might've won."

"What makes you say that?"

"I remember him giving me money" I said as I pulled out said money.

"Oh yeah! You were going to kill Guiche!" Saito accused me.

"I wasn't going to kill him," I brushed him off.

"You weren't?"

"Naw," I answered.

"Oh, sorry."

We sat there in awkward silence for a few seconds before Saito asked another question,

"So, what time is it?"

I turned around and looked out the window that was above my bed.

"I don't know. Either morning or midday."

"Oh,"

The silence once again returned but it was broken when someone finally entered the room.

It was a woman with teal hair and she was wearing one of those old nurse uniforms with the white apron over the black dress.

Her face was neutral when she walked in but then she saw both of us wide awake and a smile grew on her face.

"Ah you're awake!" she said in a soft, friendly voice, "Ms. Valliere and Siesta will be relieved, I'll be right back."

And as quickly as she came, she left.

She came back a few minutes later with a pink head of hair I really didn't want to see and Siesta in tow.

When Louise first saw us, I think she had a look of relief on her face. It was kinda hard to tell though because her expression quickly changed into anger and she started assaulting us with her tiny fists.

Normally, she wouldn't have been able to hurt me. A feather falling on me would have hurt me more than she would be able too. But I was super bruised and beat up so her delicate baby punches felt more like Mike Tyson just caught me fucking his wife.

In other words, it hurt a lot.

Louise had a ton of energy in her and could have kept up her assault for a good few hours but thankfully, her punches grew weaker as she dissolved into a crying, babbling mess.

As I looked at the sobbing mess the girl had become, I had a moment of pity and looked passed her horrible personality and actually admired her looks. She was pretty beautiful, definitely a seven or eight out of ten, would bang, but then I remembered that she just beat the shit out of us and my impression of Louise being the bitch master 3000 returned full force.

"S-stupid familiars," Louise sobbed into my chest, "I thought you two had died!"

I wasn't really sure how to deal with a crying girl so I just decided to let her wear herself out.

As for the other guests in the room, the nurse and Siesta looked happy but Siesta kept glaring at Louise for some reason.

Back to the crying girl, she had finally stopped crying which was good because she got off of me but it was bad because she went back to being angry.

She didn't hit me anymore but she started chastising us for fighting Guiche even though she was the one who forced us to fight in the first place.

Next, Siesta kept mothering us by asking if our pillows were soft enough, if our bandages were on too tight, questions like that. We kept saying that we were fine and the nurse kept snickering at our situation.

While that was going on, me and Saito's stomachs rumbled and we both realized how hungry we were.

Siesta noticed our plight and she pulled a large tray out of nowhere and on that tray was a pitcher of water, a loaf of bread, some small pieces of meat, and two small cakes.

It all looked delicious and we would have devoured the entire thing in under a minute if Siesta hadn't decided that we were too hurt to feed ourselves.

Me and Saito tried to tell her we were fine but she was having none of it and eventually, we relented.

The bread was a bit stale, the water was kinda warm, the meat was a little cold, but holy shit were the cakes good. I'm an American, we pretty much eat straight sugar for breakfast, but that cake, only a few square inches in size, was one of the greatest things I had ever eaten.

I said about as much to Siesta, with Saito agreeing with me, which caused her face to go red and she said that she was the one to make the cake.

If I ever went home, she was coming with me to be my personal chef, willingly or not.

Alas, all good cakes must come to an end and Siesta had to return to her duties which left me and Saito with the nurse and bitchy-mcbitch-bitch.

The nurse started listing off our numerous injuries, broken and bruised ribs, a few cuts and scrapes, and a possible concussion. We were also apparently in a coma and the only way for us to wake up was for Louise to buy an expensive potion.

My opinion of Louise would have changed a little if Louise hadn't kept denying buying the potion for our sake and how she only saved us so she wouldn't have to summon a new familiar.

After that, things got a little awkward.

The nurse said that she had to check us over one last time before we were allowed to leave. She pulled my blanket off of me and this wouldn't have been a problem except I still wasn't wearing and pants and everyone in the room got a glimpse of my dick.

Saito politely looked away and Louise ran out of the room with a massive blush on her face. My face was also red but the nurse didn't seem bothered in the slightest. It made sense though. She was a nurse. She's probably dealt with situations like this hundreds of time.

Enough about my privates though, the nurse removed my bandages and performed her checkup. I was apparently fine, but just to be sure she took out her wand and used some sort of healing magic on me. Holy shit it felt good. As best as I could describe it, it's like if you've been constipated all day and then you get home and have a nice good shit only the feeling was happening throughout your entire body.

Once she was done, she told me to get dressed and she went to go work her magic on Saito.

I changed while facing the wall and I got done just as Saito finished his check up. He changed as well and we left to face Louise.

I say face, but Louise kept diverting her eyes away from me and she would only address Saito.

She said something about having to go to class and started dragging Saito away and I followed after them.

* * *

Classes were pretty interesting.

Granted, they were magic classes so how could they not be?

The classroom was arranged kinda like a college lecture hall only smaller.

The three of us were sitting in the left row and two from the back.

I was sitting at the end of the table, Saito was sitting next to me, and Louise was sitting next to Saito.

When we had first entered the room, everyone turned to look at us and they started whispering about us.

I couldn't hear everything that was said because, you know, whispering, but I think I heard the important bits.

Most of the people were talking about the fight with Guiche but I heard one person suggest that Louise may be engaged to either me, Saito, or even both of us. I wish I could remove the last image out of my head.

Eventually, the teacher entered the room, everyone quieted down, and we get to where we are now.

I didn't pay attention to the first half of the class because it was mostly the teacher introducing herself and what the class was about.

However, I did pay attention when I saw the teacher turn a few nuggets of copper into gold. Me and Saito's eyes widened in surprise and everyone else in the room started questioning if it was real gold.

Unfortunately, the teacher informed us it was actually brass and that turning metals into gold was a square spell. I'd have to ask what all of that meant latter.

Next, the teacher called Louise down to try to turn some copper into brass. Louise seemed unsure at first but then everyone in the room tried telling the teacher to choose someone else and Louise decided to do it after all.

As she approached the front of the room, people started taking cover under their tables but me and Saito had no clue why so we stayed seated.

We found out a second later when the room exploded.

* * *

Today sucked.

After Louise blew up the classroom earlier, the rest of the class was canceled on account of the teacher being unconscious. Louise didn't exactly make it out unscathed either however as she was assigned to clean up the mess she made. And by she, I mean me and Saito so really Louise did make it out unscathed.

The whole thing took a few hours and by the end of it our clothes were covered in soot and we were both exhausted.

We were making our way through the hallways on the way back to Louise's room so we could sleep. Louise's door better be unlocked, for her and my sake, because I was going to break the damn thing down if it wasn't. I was not sleeping on the roof again.

As we were making out way back, we across an obstruction in the form of a large red lizard in the middle of the hallway.

Me and Saito stopped where we were and had a staring contest with the thing for a few seconds before I decided to greet it.

"Uh, hey?"

I think I said the wrong thing though because it rushed up to me faster than I could react, grabbed my pant leg in its mouth, and started dragging me down the hallway.

"Ah!" I exclaimed, "Saito help!"

"Don't worry Jaydon, I'm coming!" I heard Saito say before I was dragged around a corner and I lost sight of him.

It wasn't fun getting dragged, especially when we went up some stairs and I hit my head on every step, but I was eventually dragged into one of the student bedroom's and was let go.

"Flame, you got the wrong one," I heard a sultry voice complain. A second later, Saito ran in gasping for air and with his hands on his knees.

"Oh, you're both here, even better," The same voice said although no longer annoyed.

I got up from my position on the floor, dusted myself off, and turned to look at the person's whose room we were in.

When I first laid eyes on her, an alarm started ringing in my head, ' _Warning! Thot detected!'_ She was a dark skinned girl, a little taller than me with long red hair, and a pair of massive tits that were barely constrained by her undergarments.

While I had the thot alarm going off, Saito looked like he was about to jizz his pants.

The redhead got off the bed she was lying on in a compromising position and she started to advance towards us while swaying her hips.

"My name is Kirche the Ardent and I have fallen deeply in love with both of you."

Saito started blushing and stammering his words while I just stood there not really sure what to do.

"You two must be so uncomfortable in those clothes," she said having finally sauntered up in front of us. At the same time, I started singing a Lonely island song in my head which was very appropriate to the situation.

"Why don't you-"

She was interrupted when a guy opened her window. Weren't we at least three stories up?

"Kirche!" the guy yelled, "I came by here because you didn't show up at the prearranged time you said."

"I'm sorry," the thot said. "Can you come back in two hours?"

The guy protested which resulted in the thot blasting him with a small fire ball which sent him away.

"Now that that's over," Kirches said turning her attention back towards us, "Where were-"

We got interrupted guy another guy.

Pretty much the same thing happened to this guy as the last one. Kirche once again turned her attention back towards us but then three more guys appeared in the window and this time they were blasted by the lizard.

After that, Kirche lightly pushed Saito onto the ground and started kissing him.

"Yeah... " I began awkwardly, "I'm just gonna-"

"KIRCHE!" Louise yelled after barging into the room.

' _Oh shit, Louise is here.'_

"I'm busy right now," Kirche said to Louise, "Why don't you come back later?"

"Zerbst, why are you trying to seduce my familiars?!"

"I'm afraid it can't be helped," Kirche feigned innocence, "Love and fire are the destinies of the Von Zerbst family. I only wish to burn in flames of love."

"Come here," Lousie ordered me and Saito.

"Now wait, he may be your familiar but he's also a proper human with feelings and needs and desires," Kirche said. It's nice that at least one of the students sees us as equals, even if she probably has more STDs than a Las Vegas hooker.

"It's unreasonable to get in the way of romance. Isn't that right?"

Saito wholeheartedly agreed with Kirche, for obvious reasons, and I had no plan on fucking her so I just kind of mentally shrugged.

"Fine!" Louise relented, "But you realize when tomorrow comes you'll be skewered alive by at least ten angry noble men?"

We both thought about it for a second and we concluded that she was right. If we fucked Kirche, we were going to get fucked up by a bunch of horny, jealous teenagers with magic.

"I guess I'll say t again, come here!"

We both sighed and walked over to Louise. Saito was upset because he didn't get his dick wet and I was upset because I had to leave the relative safety of the room to deal with an angry Louise.

Kirche tried one more trick to get us to stay but Louise just grabbed us by the ear and led us out of the room.

* * *

Me and Saito were standing in the middle of Louise's room looking around sheepishly.

Lousie was by the door locking it. She turned around with her head angled towards the ground and her bangs in front of her eyes so we couldn't see how angry she was. If the next outburst is any indication, I'd say very angry.

"Your both just like some mangy dogs in heat!"

She brushed past us and started ruffling around in one of her dresser drawers and then pulling out a small whip.

' _Uh oh.'_ I thought fearfully.

"If you're both going to act like dogs then I guess I'll just have to treat you like dogs."

She stalked towards us slowly and we walked backwards at the same speed before hitting the door. Still facing her, I put my hand behind my back and tried turning the knob just incase she didn't actually lock it. She locked it.

Saito suggested that Louise try and calm down and that was when the whipping commenced.

Ow.

After five hits on both of us, Saito stopped her by grabbing her arm. I thought her was about to murder the bitch but then he asked her a question.

"Can it just be that because I was doing that kind of stuff to Kirche instead of sneaking into your bed? Can it be that you're just jealous?"

' _Saito you fucking idiot!'_

She kicked him between the legs and he fell to the ground groaning in pain.

"What was that? You and me? How dare you?!"

"Sorry, it was just a misunderstanding," Saito said while clutching his testicles.

Louise then went on a spiel about how we could see anyone we wanted except for Kirche because her family and Louise's were rivals.

Louise calmed down during her rant which allowed us to explain what had actually gone down in Kirche's room.

Louise didn't believe us about the lizard part because she thought we were swordsmen and that we should have been able to fight it off. We asked why and she said it was because of the fight between Guiche. We had to explain how neither of us knew how to use a sword and that our bodies just acted on their own.

She gained a look of realization and explained that familiars sometimes gained special abilities like the ability to talk in cats. So apparently me and Saito could use swords and cats could talk, that's kinda awesome.

Saito didn't think so though because he said that we couldn't be swordsmen without swords and Louise also realized this and said that we would go to town and get weapons.

"So, where do we sleep?" I asked. Louise responded by pointing at a small hay pile on the floor next to her bed. I was too tired to argue anymore so screw it, I'll take it.

 **A/N**

 **Damn, it's been a long ass time. July 21, around three and a half months. I'm a lazy piece of shit who's easily distracted, sue me. I'm bad at estimating chapter lengths because I expected to end this chapter with buying Derflinger but instead it's ending the night before. On terms of grade for this chapter, I'll give it a mediocre. I feel like if I actually planned things out I could be better but I can't be bothered. I don't know, I'm not the best writer but I'm definitely not the worst and that's all that really matters. Responding to Panzer-12, I was going more for a comedic tag along with some minor deviations from canon. At least for awhile I'm going to follow the canon storyline. There is a point where I plan to break away from the original story in either a major or minor way. I'm not sure which yet and it's still a long ways away. Anyways, check out the poll on my profile for one of the other stories I'm doing and I'll see you in an indeterminate amount of time.**


	4. Not a chapter but a message

**Hello my dudes and not dudes. It's ya main man PrisonDictator here with a quick message. If you've been reading the other trash I put out then you may know that I am currently in the process of editing all of the chapters in Dimension Jumpers. My question to you is: do you think I should do the same to this story? Should I go back and try my hand at skimming the vat or should I just continue on where I left off? I put a poll on my profile so go look at it. If you vote option one, Could you PM me about what you think I should throw out and what you'd like to see put in its place. If you vote for option two, then you're good to go and have no further obligations. Go out and vote, let's let democracy decide this.**

 **Please note, if the first option wins then future chapters will take even longer because I'll have the editing of this, on top of Dimension Jumpers, on top of a now busy work schedule, and also on top of general laziness.**


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